Helping Your Children Survive Loss
If you have ever been with a child who has just lost a loved one, then you may know that they grieve very differently than adults. In the early days of loss, my kids sometimes seemed oblivious to the fact that their Dad was gone. They had times of sadness, but for the most part they did what they normally had done, and the younger that they were the less effected they seemed. They played, watched videos and talked to friends who were there. So, how can a parent guide their child through grief?
Children have a high need whether they are grieving a loss or walking through typical day to build safe and secure relationships with the people who are their primary care givers. They need to know that they can talk to you and express their emotions and needs without upsetting you. So, if your child starts to express a negative emotion about the loss that they have endured, then let them. The very best thing that you can do for them when they become sad or angry is to name the emotion which they are feeling. As uncomfortable as it may be for you to see them sad, let them cry. Be support for them by just being there. One of the hardest things for people who love them is to refrain from trying to fix it. When someone dies, you cannot fix it. There is nothing that can be done, but you can sit near the individual who is sad and listen.
Remember children do not grieve like adults, so they may move from weeping to playing. If this is the case then let them play. Don’t try to force them to think about the situation. If the individual was close to them, it is likely that their brain is going to be protective as they walk through the grieving process. One way that this will happen is by going on with normal everyday things, but then the child will be sad again, and that’s okay.
So, don’t push them to talk about the loss, but be aware when they are feeling down and let them express their emotions as you name what they are feeling. They may not know that they are feeling sad, but when you name the emotion that you sense that they are feeling, this lets their brain make a connection, and they will begin to form a stronger connection with you, as well as allow their brain to process the loss. There is a resource that I wanted to share with you. If you go to FeelingsUnlimited.com you will find various helps that give faces for various emotions, which can help your child express what they are feeling. It may feel too simple to just listen and name an emotion, but it will go a long way to help your kids build a healthy relationship with you and process their grief. Of course, answer their questions to the extent that they can understand given their age, but listening to them will be of the greatest benefit.
Be careful not to add fear or let others add fear by telling them more than they can handle for their ages. I remember one man wanted to show my kids pictures of the vehicle from the accident. It is okay if you are uncomfortable to step in and say no for them. Kids need their parents to protect them.
In the early days after loss it is typical to not have an appetite, feel sad, not want to get out of bed or do anything. But if these things go on for an extended period of time or they become extreme, call a counselor for help in dealing with these negative emotions.