Making Decisions Alone
One daunting change that widows face is making decisions alone. Ugh. Even typing it still makes me cringe, but I can tell you that decision making gets easier as you do it. As someone who has just lost a spouse, you may or may not want to make your own decisions. Regardless of how you feel about it, it is a part of life now, and if you allow someone else to choose for you, they may or may not make wise decisions, but you will have to live with the outcome.
Some people will have great intentions and do their best, but be aware, that some people will simply want to control you. They may have their own good in mind, instead of yours or your children’s welfare, which can lead to disaster for you and your children. I would like to tell you that everyone is trustworthy and will help you in a selfless manner, but that’s just not the case. Some are not trustworthy, others are, and others are trustworthy but make poor decisions, so as exhausted as you are after the funeral here are some tips to help you move towards taking control of your own life.
A principle that I learned early in my widowhood was to build a Board of Directors for myself, but do it wisely. Be very cautious when someone tries to take control of any area of your life. If the didn’t have the access to your world or privacy while your spouse was living be cautious. Those who will gain access to your privacy should send up yellow flags.
Someone gave me three principles when making decisions. They have slightly changed since the advice was given, but I follow them still because they have worked very well for me.
Think like Jesus.
If you feel pressured, just say no (at least until you can consider it).
Don’t second guess yourself. (If your new at making decisions alone, you will likely make mistakes, but that’s okay. Mistakes can usually be fixed, and God’s hand can do anything.)
Another idea that I found extremely helpful was to create in your mind a Board of Directors for your life. Imagine a table with chairs around it. Each chair will hold an area of life that you want help with such as finances, legalities, relationships, spiritual matters, etc. There may be 3 chairs at your table, but there could be a dozen. You get to decide. After all, you are the CEO of your life. You get to make the final choices, and you will ultimately, be the one to live with the decision. Your Board of Directors will simply give input and information, which you may not have. Sometimes, I have asked what they would do, but no one can know everything about you except for God and you, so ultimately you must make the choice.
You can add chairs or take them away as needed. Sometimes, you will need a lot of advice, and at other times none. Once you know what chairs that you need to fill, ask God to give you wisdom in who will fill them.
You will want people who think of your needs first.
Those who do not seek to control what you do.
And those who will not be judgmental or upset if you choose a different path than they directed.
The key word here is balance. Seemingly small things may turn out to be difficult, and it is okay to adjust as needed. You cannot know all of the details about your new life, so give yourself grace. If board members begin to be cohersive then it is okay to dismiss them. It is a matter of balance. On one hand, you want to take their advice seriously, but on the other hand, you have been given the ability to choose by God. Therefore, remember that arm twisting from Board Members is a good cause for dismissal.
For example, my husband and I had a close friend who offered to put me on their phone plan. This was just weeks after his sudden death. If you have lost someone suddenly, believe me you are not thinking straight a couple weeks out. Make as few decisions as you possibly can. Perhaps, this friend meant well, and I thought it couldn’t hurt. The discount would be nice. But the kind gesture led to this friend trying to dictate who I talked to, and him sharing information with other people about me, which at the age of 40 was unnecessary and violating. Be careful when someone will take some of your privacy. It can lead to difficulty.
On the other hand, I had other friends who helped in other ways, which were very helpful, but it is hard to tell, who is who, initially after your loss. Relationships with friends and family tend to shift after the loss of your spouse, so what was true while your spouse was living, may not be true any longer. Only time will tell.
Widows and widowers generally loose 75% of their friends after the loss of a spouse within the first year. That is a lot of loss. If you are a friend reading this, please stick with your friend, and if your children are friends with their children, then those kids have already experienced great loss, please be mindful that the loss of friends when added to the loss of a parent is devastating. You may feel uncomfortable with the changes that are happening, but please know that the family members are experiencing multitudes of change, which can only be understood with experience. Their lives have changed greatly, expect that they will change.
Now, if you are like me, you just said, “That won’t happen to me because my friends are amazing.” I hope that you are right, but it did happen to me, and, sadly, every widow who I have spoken with in the last 10 years, with one exception has had the same experience. Your life has changed, which requires that you change, and friends cannot always come to terms with this. The good news is that the 25% who are left are lifelong friends.
Some of those individuals may become some of your best Board of Directors. Ask the Lord to help you choose who should sit in those seats at your table. Make a place for Jesus. It was in the early days of widowhood that I learned that Jesus was very close and would help me with decisions like this. He didn’t audibly speak to me, but I knew in my heart that it was Him answering.
Some of my board members were people that I did not know before, but clearly, God sent them because I needed them, which included an older widow, JoAnn, whom I will forever be grateful for. The other individuals could be trusted friends, relatives, but they may also be professionals, authors, and speakers that you know are wise. Remember if you have legal matters, seek out an attorney’s advice, friends can have great wisdom, but there is a reason that attorneys have studied as they do. Be sure that you are using an attorney who is an expert at what you are seeking advice for. For example, attorneys who can help with a will are not the best choice for settling another kind of dispute or insurance settlement.
If you have financial matters, use a financial advisor, who answers as a fiduciary. This means that they have to put your best interests above their own. This is not the same as someone who is selling you an investment. These individuals are salesmen, and they may have their own interests at heart. Yes, they must follow laws, but protect yourself the best that you can by seeking excellent advice. Seek the counsel of friends, but if it is an area where experts are licensed to help, use the expert for these decisions. It seems that everyone has an opinion, so seek out the most knowledgeable individuals and listen closely, asking questions as you go. Remember that time is your friend. Take your time and get more than one opinion. Many mistakes can be avoided by these two pieces of advice. I found that it is not the loudest individuals who are the most knowledgeable. If I had to go back and do this again, I would ask the successful businessmen for advice. Often, professionals are used to being disagreed with and they have much experience in a variety of areas, so you have the experience and someone who will not push you to do what they want. Remember, rule #2 above, if you feel pressured, just say, “No”.
Some things must be attended to quickly after a death while others can wait. For example, if you are eligible for social security benefits or your children are, then apply as soon as you are able to because you will lose income if you don’t. You will need to visit the bank and attend to account management with a death certificate in hand. But other decisions do not need to be done quickly, and I would go further and say some should wait until you are able to do your own research. Don’t hurry things like investing money if you do not have an ongoing positive relationship with an individual who will do this for you. Other things to wait on are selling your home, making a move to a different city or other life altering decisions. They can wait. Sometimes, you have to make a move within the first year, but that will be another loss for your children. Yes, I did move to a different community in the first year, but it was necessary to protect us. That is a story for another day. When we are grieving the loss of a spouse, God is near to us. Psalm 34:18 says that, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Do your best, but then rest in Him.
In those early days you will likely be afraid of making the wrong decisions. That’s typical, so do your best and move forward. Remember, rule #3, “Don’t second guess yourself”. You will likely make mistakes because you are a human. Just learn from the mistake and go on. God will help you through those things, and He will rescue you from others. Yes, I made mistakes, but in many situations, God fixed what I had messed up. Psalm 68:5 says that He is a, “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows.” Beating yourself up, if you make a mistake, will not be helpful to you. Be kind to yourself.
Go ahead and fill up the chairs, but know that if someone becomes controlling, gives poor advice, or is not able to keep quiet about your business, then they can be and should be fired and replaced. You, alone, get to choose to replace them. I did have to fire some people, but some never knew that they had, had a seat at the table, so they never knew that they were fired. While others who were overtly controlling knew that I had new boundaries, which I would enforce because they created a scenario where I had to protect my family from them.
Life changed when your spouse died, but you still have so much living to do, so move forward with confidence. The people around you should be supportive. If they are taking more energy than they are giving, then it may be time to take a serious look at what is happening and adjust. It doesn’t have to be like that forever, but while you are grieving and adjusting, take good care of yourself and your children.
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