Connecting The Dots Between How You Were Parented and How You Parent
After spending my early parenting years within the homeschool movement which happened to be in highly Christian conservative circles, I have learned that those ways of parenting are very unhealthy. While it was unsaid, we were told that if our kids didn’t cry, but were always content that we were being great parents. Just so you know, it was my baby crying in the nursery. Did you know that this meant he wanted to be with me, his mom? That signified that he was able to communicate his need for me to be with him. Why would this plea for his mom ever be ignored?
You may be thinking that it was the baby in the nursery who just sat and played, you know the one not caring if mom left or when she came back. Many think that this child was most healthy, but that is not the case. Attachment theory tells us that babies with a healthy secure attachment style may cry if mom leaves, will want mom to soothe them when they are running out of social energy or have encountered something negative, and they cry. Nevertheless, the way the mom or dad interact with the baby has a significant effect on the course of the child’s life.
A connection exists between the way that our parents interacted with us and how we respond to our own children. Years ago, John Bowlby, found that the way a child attaches to his parent determines what he coined an attachment style, and although change is possible this attachment style remains with the child throughout the life span.
If you find yourself saying that you should just get over a difficult situation, and then you suck up your feelings and go on like normal, then your parents may have said things to you like, “Big boys (or girls) don’t cry.” They may have provided for you exceptionally well when it came to food, clothing and school, but emotionally you were left to fend for yourself. It is likely if this adult were asked about the relationship with mom that “loving” would be the term used to describe it.
I wonder have you ever considered that normal to you is whatever you grew up with, which may or may not mean that your mom took good care of you not only physically but also emotionally, socially, cognitively and spiritually. When you were sad or angry your parent may have labeled it a “bad attitude”. They may have ignored the negative emotion, or distratcted you. Some parents even leave when their child is distraught. This type of parenting teaches the child that emotions are to be ignored.
When the child becomes a parent, it seems reasonable to treat their child like they were treated, after all this is the normal way. Right? Not always. But take heart, an insecure attachment can be changed, so don’t expect that this is hopeless. Actually, if an adult learns to be secure in their attachment style, it is more likely that their children will be more secure. My point is there is hope.
Perhaps you are concerned about the way that you interacted with your parent. If that’s the case, here are two ways that you could learn to create a healthy attachment style with your children. First, you could begin by reading Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do. These authors both work from a Christian Worldview and explain this type of attachment well. Second, you could call and make an appointment with me for a free 30-minute phone consultation. Together we could determine if you need to develop a more secure style of relating to you children and if I am a good fit for helping you through this process.