Being Support for a Victim of Sexual Assault

What is the best way to support a victim of sexual assault or rape?

First, believe them and tell them that you believe them.

One of the hardest things for someone who has been sexually violated is the shame that comes with the experience. The questions in their mind are,

• “What if I hadn’t been there?”

• “How could I have let myself get into that situation?”

• “What’s wrong with me that someone would do that to me?”

Reality is that what was happening in the brain of the perpetrator is very different than what was happening in the brain of the victim. The victim’s brain will recognize danger at some point, and as the brain senses danger the victim will go into a state of fight, flight or fawn. So initially they may fight or try to get away, but when that is not possible then fawn comes into play. At this point various areas of the brain have gone “offline” so that all energy emotionally, mentally and physically is focused on finding safety. When the victim cannot get to safety, fawn, sets in. In this state the individual may appear to be unconscious similar to shock. At this point the victim is not able to help themselves, but the brain protects them by letting them dissociate. It is in this state that the individual says that they felt as if they were watching a movie but it was their body being harmed. The body and mind have fragmented.

While this is occurring for the victim, the perpetrator’s brain is fully engaged and able to make decisions that the victim cannot. The perpetrator has all control while the victim has little if any control.

Tell the victim it was not their fault.

It doesn’t matter

• What they were wearing, where they were

• Who they were with

• What they were or were not drinking or ingesting.

They should have been safe, and sadly they were not. It’s not time to help them to see their mistakes. It’s time to be support.

Tell the victim, “I believe you."

They need you to believe that they were harmed. At some stages after sexual assault, the entire event will feel unbelievable to the victim. Have you ever lost a loved one suddenly and experienced the feeling of “this just cannot be”? It is the same for the victim of sexual assault. Please, don’t accuse them of lying because they have this normal trauma response. Usually, a perpetrator is a trusted individual whom the victim knows and loves. Imagine someone who you love pulling a weapon on you and harming you. It would feel unimaginable, but if they did in fact threaten you with a weapon then it would have REALLY happened. Believe the victim.

Have you watched the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard case? If so there was clearly a victim as the two testified. The true victim had a hard time coming up with his words on the stand. This was a sign of trauma. The true victim made little eye contact with the jury, while the perpetrator had no difficulty looking at the jury during her testimony. Vicimization creates shame and a need to protect self. Watch Johnny’s testimony again and notice how his body language changes as he retells his story. His shoulders curl forward, his chin is down. This is the way a victim responds. A perpetrator on the other hand will have open body language and make eye contact easily. My use of synonyms in the rest of this post have been neutral because the Depp/Heard trial taught us that men can be victims just as much as women. Heard and her attorney stated that this was a loss for women, but in my opinion the jury’s verdict was a win for victims.

Help the victim to safety. Realize that the healing process for the victim can be years. A victim will be at the lowest point of depression a month after the assault. They may not want to get out of bed, go to normal events such as school, work or social events. Isolating is typical after sexual assault, but they will want safe people around them. If you are one of their safe people, then help them. Be patient with them.

Help them turn in the perpetrator if that is their desire. But remember that this individual’s boundaries have been seriously violated, so let them make those choices. Help them make the call to a mental health professional who is trauma informed. Most important be there for them.

Please refrain from telling them that it’s best to not turn the individual in, EVEN if it is a “trusted” family member or leader. It is NOT more “godly” or “biblical” to cover up sexual assault. PERIOD! If you are considering how this will affect the perpetrator more than you are considering how the perpetrator has harmed the victim then you are thinking wrong and dare I say cruelly. A victim of sexual assault may suffer for the rest of their life. Is it really okay with you to ignore the harm that has been done to them to protect someone who has tried to kill this individual’s soul?

If you need further help the number for the National Sexual Assault Hotline is 800 - 656 - 4673, and I am glad to help a victim or their family through the healing process. You can contact me at (302) 270 - 8503. Finally, my sincere apologies that this is not a video and that it took so long for me to write this article. After a month of moving and various other calamities, this is what I could do. Feel free to reach out to me if you need further help. I am always willing to help others victims become survivors.

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