The IFB Lied to Us
A gentle and quiet spirit. Do the words bring longing or repulsiveness? As someone who spent time in an ultra-conservative church setting, they often bring angst to my body. My shoulders tighten, my throat tightens, and I want to run. Just the words have triggered fight or flight.
For so many years, Mother’s Day was about beating every woman in the sanctuary over the head with words like these. Is it any wonder our view of God is twisted and grotesque when we are told that we have to be gentle and take whatever anyone throws at us?
Did you know that studies show that in women who become part of Independent Fundamental Baptist churches and any other totalistic church, there are common practices that create silence and submissiveness to things that the woman would have NEVER chosen for herself?
If you recognize any of these, comment, or feel free to add your own.
The woman strongly desires to join the group but never feels part of it. So in order, to belong, she works hard to conform to what she perceives as the group’s standards.
The other women in the church don’t talk about anything deep, so the newcomer feels like they are hiding from her. However, because they all fear being banished from the church group they keep it shallow. This creates a sense of uneasiness for everyone, and each woman begins to watch for ways to be accepted which means more concessions.
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If there is a problem within the church, the pastor will blast an entire sermon to the congregation. No one is ever entirely sure who the leader is attacking, but everyone understands that he is attacking someone. This leads to further silence for church women because they fear they will BE the next sermon.
A subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, message is sent to every woman that she is never to speak to men within the congregation. The pastor ignores women when they try to converse with him or outright tells them they must speak to their husbands instead of him. No eye contact should ever be made with a man unless he is your husband. Eye contact shows equality, and when a woman always must look away from a man’s eyes, it subtly reminds her that she is less than him.
I am triggered just writing about them. So, let’s take a minute to breathe. Notice where you are feeling tense and/or heaviness. Make a conscious effort to let those areas relax. For me, it is my shoulders, jaw, throat, chest, and lower back.
Women are hurt and made to feel small. These messages did great harm to so many people in ultra-conservative churches. If you were part of a group like this, please know you are not alone. Many of us—yes, us! Me included—felt outside of the circle. We sensed that if we would just change enough, we would finally be part of the group.
But it was all a lie!
When I work with a client, and we get to a point like this, we bust the myth, so let’s do that here. In these circles, NO ONE feels like they belong. Everyone feels like they are outside of the circle. It has to be like that, or the leadership will lose control.
What they kept hidden about a quiet and gentle woman was that she is so strong. The word gentle in the original language of the New Testament means strength and vulnerability. If you have ever been vulnerable, then you know that it requires a great deal of strength. However, it does not mean women must let others take advantage of them. HELL, no! It means that because we are warriors and are bolstered by great strength, we choose to let the right people in.
Jesus did not let the Pharisees push him around. These leaders are Pharisees. They know scripture well and have great understanding, and they choose to manipulate and control. By the way, if they don’t understand scripture well, then they should resign immediately.
1 Peter 3:4 says, “Let your adornment be the inner self with the lasting beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in God’s sight.”
What we, as women, put on is not the essence of the doormat! It is armor, which is soft and nurturing. We take care of those God has put in our world to nurture, including ourselves, and when people try to oppress us or do us harm, we behave like Jesus. We put our armor on, and go to war against the Pharisees because we have a gentle and quiet spirit.