You are worthy of love…

Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.  (Psalm 51:6). 

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When wrong takes place in a child’s life, then until right is understood by the child, a false value or belief may exist.  This is vital to understand, so when I came across this verse in Psalm 51:6 (NKJV) I needed to stop and consider.  

Every individual has what counselors call an attachment style.  The way the parent has cared for the child will affect the way that the individual responds throughout the lifespan.  Gone is the myth that you can, “Just get over it!” or “Put the past in the past.” The past highly influences what the future will be unless there is intentional change.

A less than secure attachment style will be likely to influence new relationships. Unless the child understands truth and then gains an Earned Secure Attachment.  As I think about God desiring truth in the inward parts, I am in awe because the various attachment styles all have underlying beliefs which dictate how we relate to others. 

In Attachment Theory there are four types of attachment styles.  

~~~```~~~ Avoidant ~~~```~~~ 

This child was taken care when it came to food, water, shelter and clothing.  It’s an insidious attachment style because on the surface it appears that the parents have done their job, but in the “inward part” (to borrow from Psalm 51:6) the child was not cared for emotionally and sometimes cognitively.  

This child believes that he/she is worthy of being loved and can give love but finds that others are either unwilling or not able of loving them back.  Those with an avoidant attachment style believes that others cannot be trusted or relied upon. 

This individual needs to come to grips with the understanding that their parents did not care for them in the ways that they needed to be cared for.  I believe that those with this style are the most difficult to help see the truth because they look at childhood through the lens of being cared for, but, their emotional needs were left, unmet.  

~~~```~~~ Ambivalent ~~~```~~~ 

This individual believes that they are not worthy of love or of receiving the support that they need.  Responsibility for whatever was or is happening is taken on by this individual.  They are often, people pleasers.  They will do anything to make another person like them, so that they can keep the relationship.  My daughter’s generation calls them needy.  An individual with an ambivalent attachment style knows that others are trustworthy and can love them, but they believe that it is their own fault that others do not love them.  

The inward part needs to know the truth that they deserve to be loved because they are who they are, and not because they have worked for it.  Until the individual realizes that love is given because the giver wants to give it, the individual will remain enslaved to the belief that they must work for the love that others give.  When they make mistakes, they believe that the other individual will leave them, so they go above and beyond to show that they are worthy.  

~~~```~~~ Insecure ~~~```~~~ 

This individual has suffered much at the hands of their primary caregivers.  They have been abused.  A belief that they are not worthy of love and are not capable of getting the love that they need pervades their relationships.  After all the parents did not meet their needs, but most sad of all is that this individual believes that they deserve the abuse.  

Those who have an insecure attachment style need to understand that that it was not them who created the abuse or deserved it, but rather it was the abusive parent who was wrong and sometimes evil.  The lie is that it was all their fault when really the fault lies at the feet of their abuser(s).  The truth that needs to be taken into the inward part is that not everyone will abuse them, and they are worthy to be loved and cared for. 

Sadly, if one of these became our attachment style as children this style of creating relationships now becomes the basis for all other relationships including a relationship with God.  

God always desires for us to live in truth. He wants us to realize truth at our core. We were made to be loved.  He made us, so we are worth being loved.  There are people, who are capable of loving us, and they are trustworthy. 

Spiritual abuse is often fraught with an understanding that we must work for the love that God has for us. This is ambivalence. It is the belief that I must do something so that He will love me. 

This past Sunday, one of the pastors at my church said that God’s love flows to us and our love for Him flows from that.  The direction of flow never changes. I love those thoughts because this clearly describes a secure attachment style.  

When you read my next words understand that the definitions that define words like worthy are not the traditional definitions.  This is not Christian ease.  Worthy here means less than it would mean when we state that, “God is worthy.”  Worthy in that context denotes holiness.  When I use the word, “worthy”, I mean deserving. This is the baseline for what we should give and do for each other. If you just thought, “I deserve nothing.” Then you may have been a victim of spiritual abuse.  

My legalistic pastor seemed to rejoice in stating that we were, “doulas”, which means slaves in Greek.  I understand that Jude and others call themselves this, but I don’t think it was a word to beat others over the head with, so that they saw themselves as deserving nothing.  This type of degradation is wrong to do to others because it sets them up for allowing people to walk all over them instead of living out healthy boundaries. Securely attached people know how to set and hold boundaries. 

~~~```~~~ Secure ~~~```~~~  

These individuals understand that they are worthy of love, and they can get love from others because they are willing and capable of loving them. 

An understanding at the core of every Christian needs to be that God loves you not because of what you do, but because you are His.  You were seated with Christ when you were believed in Him (Ephesians 2:6).  You deserve to be loved and cared for because He made you.  He has also put others around you who are capable and willing to love you.  

I would have to write a book to completely convey all that I think and want to say about Psalm 51:6.  In fact, I believe that this is my work for the rest of my life. Hear this truth deep inside of you. 

You are worth loving.  

You can get love. 

Others should love you.  

Others are trustworthy enough to rely on for love.   

At the core of many mental health issues is a misunderstanding of these truths.  Let’s review again.  You deserve to be loved, and you can get that love just because you are you.  (Sounds a bit like Mr. Rogers). Safe people are willing to love you, and they are capable of being trusted to love you.  

Allow yourself to know this truth to your core. While it may have been taken from you in childhood, you can learn these truths as an adult. The falsehoods or truths from childhood have formed your values and beliefs, but they don’t have to dictate the rest of your life.  Furthermore, if you can develop an earned secure attachment style then your children are more likely to have a secure attachment style than those who had parents with secure attachments.  If you need help with this, you know how to find me.  I would be delighted to help you walk through this journey.  You will never regret that you did.