Should I Return to an Abusive Marriage?

When someone we love has been abusive, we often want to forgive and move forward.  While Jesus calls us to forgiveness, this does not necessarily mean that the relationship will be restored.  Experts tell us that the likelihood of an abuser changing is about 1%.  Those are not good odds.

Here is a list of 12 things that must be met IF a perpetrator is that one person in one hundred who will change.

• The perpetrator willingly and completely admits the mental, emotional, physical, sexual and/or spiritual abuse which has occurred.

• Acknowledging that the abuse was wrong the perpetrator has NO excuses.

• The abuser admits that there was a choice between abusing versus extending kindness and self-control.

• Recognizing the harm which was done to the victim, the perpetrator compassion for those who have been harmed.

• The perpetrator can identify the patterns of abuse and their attitudes of being entitled.

• Developing and replacing kind, compassionate, and respectful attitudes is their top priority.

• The abuser changes their perspective of the victim giving them respect and honor.

• Amends are made for the damage which has been done to victim.

• The abuser accepts 100% of the consequences for themselves because they recognize that they were wrong.

• Perpetrators willingly surrender the privileges associated with relationship. They realize that they do not deserve those privileges.

• Truly repentant perpetrators recognize that change will be a lifelong process, and they diligently seek out accountability.

• Finally, the perpetrator willingly seeks out those who will keep him/her accountable.

Make no mistake by believing the words of a perpetrator, only if their actions convey these 12 things are they truly changing.

*Based on information from Lundy Bancroft, an expert on those who seek control no matter what it costs those around them.